The Power of Liking Yourself
I don't think anyone inherently pops out into the world hating themselves. It's something that is carefully taught and euphemized as "socialization." At least that's how Cheri Huber teaches it.
The child gets constant negative feedback as they try to navigate the world, eventually concludes there is something wrong with themselves (because why would people treat the child negatively otherwise?), and then passes the same behavior down to others, and on and on.
I've lived that way most of my life, sometimes quite strongly. Seeking flaws and trying to fix them, hating them while they are there, punishing myself for not being perfect. Never relaxing. Always worried and striving to beat everyone else to hide the inadequacy.
There are causes. I had a hard childhood that I didn't cope with well. Now it's up to older me to take care of myself in ways I didn't receive.
A couple days ago, I hit a breaking point where I just got tired of all the hate. Thanks to my meditation practice I'm able to distance myself from my experience and look at things fairly objectively. So, I'm stopping it.
Because all that self-hate, while it sometimes made me very good for others' needs, was never good for my own. I'm starting to take care of myself.
What's really astonishing to me is that I've able to get so far as I have with all this weight.
So what I've been doing is just taking time throughout the day to ask myself what the most compassionate thing I could do for myself right now is, and then doing it.
Yesterday, that led me to order a massage. Totally worth it. I haven't gotten a proper massage before. I feel like I have an exposed neck again now that my shoulders have been forced to relax.
I also did my workout yesterday and really enjoyed it, rather than thinking it was a slog that I had to do, and if I didn't, I'd be bad, bad, bad.
I'm a little excited to see where this experiment goes.